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[28 Sep 2004|06:37pm] |
Take me home
I can hear my heart beating
I wish it would stop
I wish it would stop
I can feel myself breathing
I wish i could stop
I wish i could stop
I wish i didnt feel
an I wish I didnt love
i wish i didnt care
about anyone, at all at all...
But I do...I do...
But I do... I do...
Someone pull me through this hell im living in
Someone help me out of this black hole
I dont want to stay here anymore
i wanna go home
please take me home
Im dieing
crying
lieing to myself again
im falling
drowning
waiting for the end
to come to me
I dont want to be
here anymore
whats the fucking point
who really fucking cares
cause i dont
i dont care about myself
i dont give a shit
the onlyone one i care about
is stopping me
from living
let me go
let me out of here
let me find another place
the peace i have been searching for
longing for... for ever
let me sleep
let me close my eyes
never wake up in this life
let me run away
so noone can find
i dont wanna come back here again
give me my happiness
I wish i didnt feel
an I wish I didnt love
i wish i didnt care
about anyone, at all at all...
But I do...I do...
But I do... I do...
its you
and sometimes i hate you for it
its you
but living wouldnt be the same without you in my heart
its you
and sometimes i feel like walking
never coming back
Someone pull me through this hell im living in
Someone help me out of this black hole
I dont want to stay here anymore
i wanna go home
please take me home
I can hear my heart beating
I wish it would stop
I wish it would stop
I can feel myself breathing
I wish i could stop
I wish i could stop
take me home
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| Oh the shame of it all :'( |
[16 Sep 2004|07:37pm] |
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bat man |
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Five Things You May Not Know About My Time in School:
1. At my primary boarding school in london I got my duffle coat stolen and flushed down the loo,then my head. I only lived round the corner so i didnt need to live there :D
2. At the same school I punched this girl who use to bully me in the mouth for calling me goofy then she became my best friend
3. at secondary I use to skip school and have picnics with my best mate, and get her mum to write us sick notes
4. at secondary I went out with boys from our rival schools all the time
5. when i was 16 i became prefect complete with badge.
Five Things You May Not Know About The Jobs I Have Had:
1. my first job was working with spike milligan and my best mate and mates mum for a peace and quiet campagne.
2. i have worked in 2 shoe shops the last one i was assistant manageress.
3. I use to entertain kids at a local sports center dressed as bettie from flint stones. and met mr motorvator
4. I taught drama to 13 year olds for 6 months alongside a professional teacher.
5. I have done everything from working in Mc d's to being a temp receptionist/secertary up london in an office.
Five Things you May Not Know About My Online Life:
1. I know most people through surfing the net and finding the BTVS website and finding a chat room.
2. the first people i met online was angelcakez and amando.
3. My first net lust was with amando and we use to role play as dru/faith and spike :| So ashamed now.
4. I use to be online 24/7 nearlly everyday.
5. I still fall for guys online >.< Your guess is as good as mine :P
Five Things you May Not Know About Where I Live:
1. we have the largest shoping center in europe
2. i have lived here nearlly 3 years
3. we get the warmest weather in england so they say
4. i live in a 2 way house i have downstairs and the front garden
5. Its crap here apart from blue water
Five Things You May Not Know About My Personality:
1. I ready do care about people.
2. I’m hyper sencertive.
3. I have hardly any self confidence
4. I'm too trusting for my own good
5. I hate lieing.
Five Things You May Not Know I Would Really Like to Have Are:
1. happiness
2. my own band or a writer or song writer
3. the man of my dreams
4. always be healthy
5. be loved
Five Embarrassing Fannish Admissions:
1. When I was 9 i stuck my 2 fingers up at my mum so she put a cloth around me like a nappy complete with safety pin and took a picture. Yes she shows all the men in my life :'(
2. I use to be madly inlove with joe mcintyer from NKOTB even kissed him lol there was a window inbetween our lips but to me i kissed him.
3. I have been on the tv news playing a plastic trumpet with spike milligan with a bloody bandage around my head. promoting peace and quiet campagne
4. me and my best mate sarah at the time use to sing and dress up as bucks fizz and perform for the school
.
5. during 6th form i got up on stage singing "daddy wouldnt buy me a bow wow. in a school uniform and pigtales and freckles.
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| *TALK HARD* |
[12 Sep 2004|10:44pm] |
*TALK HARD*
Where all in the dark, where all alone, we all want to be heard. If we didnt then why would we spill our guts out on live journal. We all need somebody to listen.
Yeah I just watch *pump up the volume* cause im having a christian slater day. And you know what even though its a film, its true what he said. Why do i watch films now and see a deeper darker side of everything. Is it cause I understand now.
Life is one whole fucked up place. but why are we all fucked up in one way or another, cause of the people around us that dont know us, only see what they think they see, we are all scared to show who we really are. Do you think anyone really knows who we are? do you really let anyone see the real you.
Told you films get to me.
Noone really knows me, step inside my bedroom and your see the darker side of me, its the heart of me. the only ones that know me are people that I trust, care about. But still they dont see the real me. Im afraid just like all of you. But why the fuck should we be afarid to talk, its free speach.
I bet if you sat and watched this film right now you would totally understand where he came from and where i am now coming from. We are all running away from something. You think just cause you dont open up as much as others it makes you a different person, well your not. Deep down inside we are all the same. we all need something.
Why would we all be here if we wasnt, we all want the same thing, to be happy right, who wouldnt want to be happy. And dont tell me your all happy cause its bollox and you know it. If we were happy if we all had the lives we wanted, why would we be here in the first place. We wouldnt, we wouldnt need this place to come to. we would be out living the life we wanted.
we wouldnt be making friends online instead of making them in real life only.
Yeah some of us have most of what we want but there is always something missing. Noone in this world has everything. Money cant buy happiness. And you cant change the way people judge you or talk about you or feel about you or except you. We cant change the world around us not really. And they say if you cant change the world then change who you are. Well thats bollox too, you can dye your hair, change the colthes you wear, change your attitude. but underneath your always be the same. Its a mask, it cant kind whats inside. just the outside. Yeah you can lie, you can put on this great act, you can be as fake as you want to be to be apart of this world. But no matter what you say or do you was born one way and one way only to be you. So why should you hide it.
I come here for a reason and one reason only, to be heard, for people to actually read and listen to what im saying, NOONE fucking listens to me really in real life, noone really cares. My family dont even know who I am. And people dont even give me a chance to really be who I want to be. Im scared that if i gave them an inch they would run away, and some have seen parts of me and run, can you imagine if they saw all of who i am.
I might get slaged off here sometimes but its still feed back its still someone talking back someone that has actually read what im writing. Im sick of hiding im sick of being afraid. But if I really became the person i am id probably be arrested lol Sometimes i want to do really crazy things, i really do. and parts of that person is starting to slowly come out.
parts of me want to scream so loud and keep on screaming untill i loose my voice. part of me wants to come into work and say you know what FUCK YOU! and then just walk. parts of me want to get on train and go where ever that train takes me.
You know what I really hate, all this poiltics and legal crap! Thats why I hate watching the news. All this fucking power crap, why does there have to be presidents and poletions id love to make a stand, you know with a huge great big sign saying we dont need you. I loved one of the beatles songs *ALL WE NEED IS LOVE* I really think I should have been around in the sixties. I want to run away, I want to say fuck it to everything.
I really believe that people are afraid of there own shadow at times and anyone that is different from them, but deep down there just as hidden, everyone is holding back, everyone is stopping themselves to really open up to the world. WHY! its simple cause people will think we are insane. Im not insane i just want to be free to do and write what i want without being fucked over and judge for it. But we dont live in that kind of world.
I really wish there was someone like Happy harry hard on, we can all be like him, but instead of hiding come out, like he did at the end. What is it we are all afraid of really. Why cant we all be excepted.
This is the world i want to live in and this is the closest im ever going to get to it. Thats the real reason im here.
WHATS YOURS!
now im thinking i might get comments saying you watch to many movies, you need to go see a shrink. Well thats ok, im ok with that. its more than id get in real life. If we wasnt alone we wouldnt be here searching for for answers for someone to like us except us know ius want us need us love us.
Most people i know on here have met people they are now with from here. WHY? Why do we do this? Why not find someone where we live. CAUSE we are all looking for the same thing, and we cant find it in real life so we find it on the net, Thats becomes real life cause we go and meet them. But are we the same then as we were on the net. Or do you hide more with that person than you did before you met.
I have met women and men from here and everyone was amazing in there own way. Some i still talk too others have dissaperad from the face of the earth. The people that leave are afraid, maybe i showed too much of myself to fast. Or maybe they saw too much of themselves in me.
Sometimes we look for the total opersit sometimes we look for people that are the same, but we are all looking. How easy is it to go and talk to someone thease days, how easy is it to make friends. Its not easy its fucking hard.
Why do we want to tell the world our lives, cause deep down we really want people to know us. Just some wont admit to it.
I want to be a singer and song writer and an actress but im too scared cause im scared of reality. Im scared to be judged by the world. So i write here. If I wasnt scared i would have done it years ago. Now if the world was a nicer place then yeah id go for it alright but the truth is it isnt its a fucking evil twisted place. the people that do come out our the brave ones. So maybe just maybe i am one of thoes people today. But only here.
Once when i was in town i really wanted to go into a shop and pick up lots of clothes and walk out. WHY? cause i want to be noticed. We are here for attention. We dont get it anywhere else. not really. Yeah we might have friends back home, so why look else where for everything.
You all know what im eriting is the truth, just the fact is who here today is going to admit to it. ARE YOU? I just have.
I wont judge you, ill believe in you more. Not everyone wants to come out of the dark, but we all need a light on to see our way through it. Is this the dark or the light you tell me. God this film really got to me didnt it. lol
maybe im trying to be like happy harry hard on but a female version. happy harriet cant think of another H word lol
Sometimes i really dont know what id do without you guys, i say my daughter keeps me alive but you know what so do you. And i think i know why i cant stop coming here, cause all the people that i care about are here. So going to other places is fine but your not all there so i come here again and again.
I dont even think i want to leave this place. ever. :'(
cause your all apart of my life too.
And i love you guys.
thanx for being there for me listening to me reading what i write. Ill never ever forget it. or you.
Please reply... with what ever you feel, I know i dont know who you really are. so i now aploguise for anything i may have said that got to you. But then you have to think to yourself if it got to you then why?
You know today i have done nothing, not even had a bath or cleaned the house, i have just stayed in my pj's cause basically there is no reason to do anything.
WE ARE ALL ALONE thats why we come here.
Sometimes when your in a room full of people. lets say a party or a club or bar or a family get together. Do you at one moment stop and think youtr alone. maybe its all in my head right, maybe its just me that thinks and feels this way. IS IT JUST ME?
Lets all become real friends, lets all start telling the truth. lets all start being who we really want to be.
FREE! dont you just love that word, free, freedom. Or maybe we are too free. isnt free another way of saying we are alone. God i cant stop talking bollox lol
I think this is probably the most you guys will see of me. the inside of me anyways. Im not going to run anymore. If anyone hear cant handle the way i truely open up and say what i feel im sorry i really am. But your the one who is afraid not me.
Wow now i find that parts of me are not afrid as i thought i was and braver than i thought i was. See you guys have helped me without even knowing it. You guys have made me stronger by me saying what i am saying now.
Im basically saying the same shit over and over again just wording it differently, but its the same deep down.
Im signing off now.
Bye
Jewelz
or julie
well thats my real name, why do i hate my real name so much, is it cause i hate who i am, and if so why? is it cause the person julie is isnt who i want to be so i become jewelz the person i want to be.
We all use usernames why? why cant we use our real names?
cause we are hiding yet again. GOD the whole fucking net is filled up with people hiding. We are all hiding behind this fucking screen. Than god for web cam :D thats what I say.
ok one more thing, some people tell me to get off the net and get a life, yeah i totally agree.
BUT WHO HERE CAN DO THE SAME, CAN YOU LEAVE THE NET TOTALLY? IM GUESSING NO! WHY? I have already told you my reason for not leaving. CAN YOU?
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[20 Aug 2004|10:16am] |
Sprend the word ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) pms_pnd_help Meet A Mum
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[18 Aug 2004|10:15am] |
Post anything that you want here, and post it anonymously.
A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love... anything.
Make sure to post anonymously and honestly.
Post as many times as you'd like.
Then, put this in your LJ to see what others have to say.
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| Simple Life |
[30 Jul 2004|06:24pm] |
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I give myself
I have nothing left
Just an empty shell
why do I do this to myself
why cant something just go right
all i want is a simple life
the pain slices like a knife
all i want is a simple life
Im stuck in a place
I see the same face looking back
is this my fate
this what i hate
tell me that
wont someone put me on the right track
the right way
the right direction
its all a matter of fact
its in my head
theres no reflection
its getting late
time isnt on myside
is it wrong to have thease feelings that i hide
Im stuck in a rut
down in a ditch
lifes such a bitch
it only gets better
this is what they say
what a load of shit
just like the weather
keeps on changing
its never predictable ever
Will I still be here
the same time next year
going round in a circle
brake this chain
I want off this train
Im getting nowhere
Soon I will jump
its a dead end
need i say more
why do I try
why cant something just go right
all i want is a simple life
the pain slices like a knife
all i want is a simple life
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[25 Jul 2004|11:40pm] |
brake my heart
Dont come near me
your only brake my heart
you all fear me
but im the speical one
that you dream of
your in a time warp
why does this have to start
brake my heart
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| Ikea!!!!!! |
[12 Jul 2004|09:43pm] |
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So I'm waiting at home for Will to arrive and finally I give up and go to bed.Then 20 minutes later theres a knock on my door and I'm really happy to see him and I gave him a great big hug.We hardly got any sleep all night talking to god knows how long and then finally woke up at 5am and watched Spiderman.He gets on really well with Abs and hes a really lovely guy.Pity i'm 31 but me loves him cos hes my matey erm.... and he gives the best cuddles :D
Next morning, we just having a video/dvd night.We watched toy story 1&2,simpsons season 1 and Abz wanted to watch snow white and the seven dwarves so we got some sleep.We had some pizza and salad too...and we just quickly popped on msn and spoked to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) sammie for a bit and now we gonna watch American Pie:the wedding.err....tomorrow we gonna see shrek at home and then shrek 2 at the cinema with my sister Claire and wednesday we are going to the zoo so hopefully the weather will be nice.err... get back to u another time i guess.
hugz and kisses love light luck laughter
Celestial_skiez
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[11 Jul 2004|03:40pm] |
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Im not talking to my cat tazzi :@
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[10 Jul 2004|08:52pm] |
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Roll on sunday/monday :D |
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Well I still have my job :D God they must love me or something lol I have been so unreliable there lately, as in I have had so much time off work >.< But I have promiced Im going to make a huge improvment :D
Erm what did I do today, I cried my heart out at work in the locker room infront of everyone :( But I feel so much better now, the release was good :) Just now though everyone knows my problems :|
I had a ciggy for breakfast this morning, how discusting is that, and worst is I actually enjoyed it :( *strange*
I did something really silly today, hehe, I went into burtons dilibrately just to see this guy, who I keep seeing, saw him when I took abs to MC.D's God In my head I couldnt stop looking at him, and abs ended up spilling her icecream all over my leg :S and he saw lol he just smiled :D So anyways I bought will something there, but i could have gone to another shop :$ hehe. He was at the till, looking so fucking gorgeous and I had my shades on then put them on my head, he noticed me, I stayed there a while just looking at the clothes and stuff, then finally got will something, was only little but I thinks its cool :) I took them to the counter, trying not to get embaressed lol and he served me with yet another smile, this time like, dont I know you from somewhere look lol I could feel myself blushing so i started to leave, when he shouts out, your forgot your reciept >.< AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! could have died. I just giggled and smiled and said thanx and left again. How silly is that lol OMG he looks so much like the guy from cruel intentions, you know when he wears his glasses :| MMMMMMMMMMMMM yummy. Anyways he looks far to young :P and what would he want me and my bagage for >.< sorry abs but thats how most guys i like or meet see it. Little scared losers lol
Ok what else, I end up getting asked out by this lovely indian guy who own a market store outside where I work. So I see him all the time and chat sometimes if I looking at the clothes he sells. I looked at this cute little black and white top, and he said do you like that, I say yes, but I wont be able to get it next week, can you put it buy for me. He says if you go out with me for a drink sometime you can have it for free :D So I say ok and get a free top. We exchanged numbers and Im going to go out for a drink with him next saturday. He lives in east london, but he has a yorkshire accent ;)
I rang will while i was at work too :) I woke him up :( bless hehe lazy git :P It was past 11 lol I asked him to come down sunday instead of monday, cause I just cant wait that long lol So see how things go :) Misses him lots :) Its gonna be so cool, like im hanging out with my brother hehe :)
Claire is picking me up tomorrow about 10 gonna do my shopping :) so there is food in the place when will arrives, god dont think I have cleaned washed and hovered so much this week. Im still doing it, well the washing. We will probably just do relaxing things until tuesday :D and wednesday, gonna ask nick if he can take abs thursday instead of friday, so me will and my sister can all go out for the night :) If I see terrance I will either ignore him or erm say something, or slap him hmmmmmmmmmm wonders which lol I dont think I have ever felt so used, and I actually thought maybe he liked me. Yeah right. Oh well his loss :P
Im so happy I still have my job and im so excited about will coming down, and I know were all gonna have a great time. My sister has her mate coming down to stay with her too, called jay, so will and him will probably meet. I think if nick takes abs thursday we will all get stoned :D
Well Im gonna jump in the bath now, work was so tireing and I think I worked extra hard today to try and show im trying.
Stuart my supervisor was giving me really mixed signals today :S He is with someone, but he is soooooooooooooooo nice, like he really cares about me. I cant help but fantasies about him :O though, I would never make a pass at him or go out with him even if he wasnt with his girlfriend. but I cant help but flirt, and he was really flirting back today. >.< I liked it, but thats all it will ever be. I couldnt ever go out with a work mate >.< Its to personal, id be seeing him at work and out of work. Ill be feeling like I never have time for me. I can look, just not touch :P LOL I called him an elf today lol He didnt like that, said oh great thats not very manly, then i said look at legolas, and he said yeah true lol But to me he did, he just jumped up on the counter and put his hands on his lap, he just reminded me of an elf lol
Why are all the best guys out there taken, and only the shits are left, or you get the really clever guys that pretend there nice to just get you to fall for them and then they become shits. Im just gonna sit back and wait, if there is ment to be a guy out there for me, he can come to me :P
Anyways to the bath I go :)
Love light luck and laughter to all
celestial_skiez
x
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[09 Jul 2004|07:00pm] |
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Fucked OFF |
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God Im so fucking fucked off >.<
yes claire, this is why I cant let mum and dad see this :P hehe. Cant wait till will gets here on monday :D and Ill see you sunday sis :) OOOOO we are off out food shopping :)
God I cant get out of this mood :( I feel like having a huge argument with terrance, yes I rang him >.< Why? fuck knows, I missed him maybe or I just missed the sex.
Anyways mum dad sis came over on thursday and woohoo My place is looking lovely :D dad put up my shelving and my faires and green man and I now have a gorgeous mirror in the bathroom, which i painted blue today and added glittle to it :) Claire bought over all her old barbies and sindy's and kitchen set for abs :D *thanx babes* Mum help with the garden so did dad, and I even did abit. Claire is the best sister, yes im sucking up ;) hehe she gave me all her brand new dining set.
Thanx family :)
Abs is over the moon with her toys and animals and I have been busy having yet another sort out. think I have finally done it all now :D Roll on september bootfair :D I have fuck loads of stuff :|
So yeah I spoke to terrance and he couldnt get off the phone quick enough :@ So I texted him 2 times and he hasnt even botherd replying BAR-STARS I just feel used, OH there's a suprise lol
God I cant believe how fucking pissed off I am today :@
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
no that wasnt any good lol
damn, will get your arse round here pronto :P I think Im just over excited about monday :D and monday seems to far away so im pissed off, plus I have work tomorrow, god I bet I get fired lol
Oh I just dont give a shit anymore, ok I do but im pissed off right now, I have a right to say things like that. God I really hope I dont get fired :'(
Im going to play superstar sims to cheer me up :)
Thanx to my lovely gorgeous sis :)
Please add my sister to you lj's trust me she has stories to tell the whole world ;) Dont you sis :P
Love light hugs luck and laughter to all
Celestial_skiez
x
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[08 Jul 2004|09:44pm] |
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4 DAYS :D |
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Can everyone please welcome my little sister little_blackcat to lj :D
Thanx,
Hope you like it here babes, Im sure your get lots of people adding you sooner or later :) If you need any help just let me know and Im working on the coolest background for you :D
And thanx for all the goodies you gave me :) Oh please dont let mum and dad read this :P just you ok ;)
Take care sis
hugz
love luck light and laughter
celestial_skiez
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| So tired >. |
[07 Jul 2004|07:56pm] |
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LMFAO |
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At choolate milkshake men lol |
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Well yesterday I had a sort out of all my junk and just stored it in the shed, as I have no skip to put it in. I did so much washing >.< all bed lining, my whole sofa and sofa pillow cases, all the towels, god even my tea towels lol and chair covers :| and thats not including clothes. Yes Will feel honoured :P Good job it was sunny yesterday :)Which is more than I can say for today :( So windy abs nearlly fell over lol bless and raining :( miseriable shitty weather today :(
Im so addicted to the sims >.< And abs loves it too, especially now we have chilli in our family. LOL so sad theres an actual me an actual spike who are not talking as im having an affair, an actual abs with blue hair and chilli :D that looks just like chilli. The sadest thing is, its better than my real life :( LMFAO! this is the reason why I dont go on msn chat, I have another addiction lol nah seriously I really do :P ITS MY DAUGHTER!
Who else wants to live in my virtual neighbourhood lol
Today got up mega early and had to go to the council office and sort things out :D The good news is there gonna pay it all :D the bad news is job seekers are saying im not intitled to there money now :( WTF cheeky bar-stars GRRR :@ I dont wont your money anyways :P OH shit yes I do :( Im going to see them friday X fingers all goes well.
See this is why I go mental on nick, when he leaves me and abs to pay for all the bills aswell as surive :@
170 my bills came too :( and thats only paying 20 a month :|
I get 400 a month and that's to pay bills and surive for a month :@ and the job seekers say thats too much lol LMFAO! So basically a 100 a week is live able :| My mum just spends that on her shopping. Do they know how much *always extra* is lol.
So anyways today I didnt go safe ways to get all my toiletries, I went into wilkinsons instead and woohoo its so much cheaper :D Ill just get my food from safe ways from now on :D
My family are coming over tomorrow :D hopefully my dad will put my shelves up and some pictures for me, as i need a hammer drill, which I dont have. And there is no way a normal drill can get through this fucker walls >.< Would also help if I had drill bits to go with my drill lol
My family had a massive sort out in there loft, seems like alot of people are having sort-outs lately. Mum found all my old lego and animals from when i was ickle :) and my ladybird books :) Thank god she threw away my girls world punk head lol GOd that use to scare the living hell out of me :| I hated dolls I use to play with darens and justins action men ;) eah I started very young.
has to show you this picture of me and my very first boyfriend daren *CUTE* BRB just have to find it.
OMG daren murphy, wonders where he is today ?????
ok and this is me with my frizbe :P brb have to get the photo
Both pictures remind me of my real dad :D cause he was still around there, infact the first picture was a farm,with my dad. God I remember so much now, remember holding a black bunnie and drinking goats milk for the first time. Daren was only a few doors from me ;) and his sister Karen use to baby sit :) and I was real good friends with his other sister lisa. The second photo was at battersea or richmond park with my dad.
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[05 Jul 2004|04:15pm] |
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what is fake, what is real
what is it that makes me feel
sitting at a keyboard
typing on a screen
how do you know what people type
is really what they mean
you cant see there eyes
you cant hear there voice
you dont know there mannerisums
but thats your choice
can you honestly say you
are exactly the same
as you are in real life
its easy to trust
its easy to lie
say what ever
would never one really care
if someone died
I use to think that this was my home
when really I was just alone
and you cling to anything
and you get close
to the people that you think care the most
when really what is real, what is fake
sometimes I look back and erace my mistakes
I have real feelings, and some just play for fun
they think its a game, and get a buzz from wining
but what they dont realise its playing with feelings
its a human being
my heart has been broken many times on here
even now i can not understand all the pain and fear
I have hurt others and others hurt me
this place is abit of a mystery
Why have I gotten to close and why do I care
why do I have feelings for something or someone
that isnt really there
its not like you can seem them when ever you want
im not saying its alright and im not saying its wrong
just if you cant fit in here
then where do you belong
Women hurt women as much as men
and men hurt other men
its a visious circle we are living in
but you cant let it take over your life
and I think at one stage
i felt it closer than a knife
I try and be the best I can
I try and be me with all I am
but no matter what I say or how I act
people are always influenced
I really dont like being taken for a fool
and on here there seems to be no unbroken rules
no boundries cause its all everyone's hopes and dreams
It once was fun but now thats all dissapeard
I have never felt so much of an emotional pull
towards something we hardly ever meet or even at all
Is it just me or do others agree
there is nothing better in life than being free
but how can you be when your surrounded by ghosts
I just dont know what to feel
to even the ones that mean the most
I wish in my heart this could be all real
but if it was, then we would feel
not just with our souls as I sometimes believe
but by touching, reaching out
holding close to the warmth of your body
that is real life
that isnt fake
yet no matter what i have written and said here today
Im glad to have met everyone
that has come into my life in some way
some so close they felt like sisters or brothers and some I have admired and felt what i thought was love and cared for so many with all my heart, and are always thought of
Ill never forget the kindness, the people that were there
Ill always remember the good times
cause I believe there is good in everyone
I am much to blame as anyone else
Im sure i have broken many hearts
but when does this fantasy end
when I have nothing else but you as my friends
I just want to be real to myself
true to myself
stop feeling what can not be
stop thinking noone likes me
what does it matter
who really cares
god this has gotten to me
cause you all have
some more than others I still cry over, WHY!
some I miss so much, and wish they were in my real life
so tell me now what is fake and what is real
cause fuck if I know anymore
all I know is it hurts like fucking hell
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| Festival Fun :D |
[04 Jul 2004|09:37pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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But happy :) |
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Claire stayed over on saturday evening, and Nick droped abs off at 8 in the evening, so basically abs stayed up till about 9.30 while being entertained by aunty claire hehe, who happend to bring sims unleashed. :D Its so cool, we now have a cat called chilli who looks just like our real cat chilli bless, yes Im addicted with the sims, we have everyone now :D just have to borrow the rock star one from my sister and Im sorted :) Anyways, so when abs went to bed, me and sis had a bottle of Asti, cashue nuts, ciggy's, massive strawberry laces, dried bananna crisps and tai sweet chilli crisps. :D yes we are piggies, we also watched ocean's 11 WOW! I loved that film :) then off to bed and couldnt stop chatting >.<
Next morning abs got us up at 7 >.< and we had breakfast, got ready and headed off to the festival. OMG! food was a total rip off :@ £2 for a childs hot dog :| £2.50 for a drink :| £4 for a vegi burger/meat burger The best thing there was the frozen yogurt Mmmmm with real strawberries, yes it was £2 but well worth it. *Bring own food and drinks*
There was this scary what they call a bungi jump with out a rope, erm I think it was called a scad but dont quote me on that :P Claire so wanted to go on it, as she has all ready done a parashoot jump >.< rather her than me. £30 they wanted a go fuck that :| so claire did the raffle instead, lucky 13, unlucky for some. yes she didnt win :(
First we went to the little farm tent they had and we all got to stroke an owl Bless I never really realised how soft they are, been a long time since I felt a birds wings. I remember merlin our cockatoo he was gorgeous :) and queeni my cockatil she was a little bitch but she loved me :) Abs was so scared, but she stroked one anyway. there was other birds there too, and you could hold them for a price, so we moved on and looked at the chickens/baby chicks, ducks, cow, and so on. Then asked abs if she wanted to go on a pony ride, was only a £1 a go, and you could either go on a sadle or in a cart, abs was going to go in a cart but changed her mind :( I wished I was little again, I wanted to ride a pony. From there we went to get abs face painted and erm she wouldnt unless me and claire got ours done first, oh yes she is a clever girl. So I got this chineese one done >.< dont worry my dad took pictures >.< So everyone can laugh soon enough :P claire was lucky and only got her cheek done all flowery and abs had an angel. God the looks I got lol abs also made some dough fruit :) and I made some too. God I just love getting involed in everything :) All I kept saying to my sister is, thank god will isnt here, he would have cracked up at my face. From there we went and saw some live bands there, they were ok, not brilliant but ok. then went all round the craft fairs and I got a budda :D then we all went on this most crappiest ghost train together, but Its a thing I have to do, not matter how crap it looks. Then after there many many hours we left to go to my mums :D We all wanted to just crash, so we had dinner mmmmmmmm I love my mums cooking :) then dad took me and abs home.
Got home and me and abs crashed, abs is still sleeping, I woke up hence why Im here right now. Im so shattered, Now I have realised how much I miss my free weekends without abs. yes dont get me wrong I loved her being here and we all had a cool time together, but OMG! she totally wore me out. If I had gone to work on saturday, I think I would have just calapsed >.< I need time my own time to recharge :)
With that note I think I will go back to bed and sleepppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp for a very long time :D or until abs wakes me up :(
Ok just for you who cant wait :P this is the face I had done...  Ill post the real me later, much later >.<
Take care one and all
Love luck light and laughter
hugz
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[03 Jul 2004|05:29pm] |
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mood |
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 geeky |
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music |
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heart - magic man |
] |
I just finished watching a brilliant film called Hope, when I watch films I cant help the actress in me. I think it was based in mississippi and in the old days, when there was so much raceisum :( and black people were either cooks or maids or just not welcome anywhere. people spoke differently then, so propper and with high respect for eachother. Its sad that in this world raceisum is still going on :( I use to have this seek friend Kay her name was, and cause her father hated her being with white people she was banned to ever see me again :( I miss her still, wonders what she is up to in her life right now. I passed her old house on sunday on the way to the bootfair, wonders if she even still lives there. Part of me wanted to get out the car and knock on the door.
The blind never see
If I close my eyes, then I can not see
If I block my ears, then I can not hear
If I shut my mouth, then I can not speak
If I loose myself, then I have lost everything
Let me loose myself in you
through me
I use to know a man and he was blind
I didnt care so much that he never saw me
I still loved him for a very long time
I love him even now, I adore him
If I brake the chains then I will be free
if I never cried, I would not have any tears
if I lost my strengh then I would become weak
if I loose my soul, then I have lost everything
Let me loose myself in you
through me
this man I knew, he went away, so far away
nothing left to do, but prey he would soon return
he is still blind, no change there anway
I never did expect too much from him
What I wouldnt do
what I would not say
what I wouldnt give
what I would not take away
let me loose myself in you
let me loose myself
let me loose myself through you
in me
I wish I could be his eyes,
so I could show him all my beauty inside.
I wish that I could enter his mind,
so he could learn to know me,
know ill always be by his side
but he is blind
If my heart didnt beat, then I would not live
If I lost my heart then I would loose everything
let me loose myself in you
let me loose myself
let me loose myself through you
in me
the blind never see
All my love luck light and laughter
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| best song on the album :) |
[03 Jul 2004|11:34am] |
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mood |
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 silly |
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music |
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I should have gone to work >. |
] |
Genesis - Trick of the tail - Ripples
Bluegirls come in every size
Some are wise and some otherwise,
They got pretty blue eyes.
For an hour a man may change
For an hour her face looks strange -
Looks strange, looks strange.
Marching to the promised land
Where the honey flows and takes you by the hand,
Pulls you down on your knees,
While you're down a pool appears.
The face in the water looks up,
And she shakes her head as if to say
That it's the last time you'll look like today.
Sail away, away
Ripples never come back.
Gone to the other side.
Sail away, away.
The face that launched a thousand ships
Is sinking fast, that happens you know,
The water gets below.
Seems not very long ago
Lovelier she was than any that I know.
Angels never know it's time
To close the book and gracefully decline,
The song has found a tale.
My, what a jealous pool is she.
The face in the water looks up
She shakes her head as if to say
That the bluegirls have all gone away.
Sail away, away
Ripples never come back.
They've gone to the other side.
Look into the pool,
Ripples never come back,
Dive to the bottom and go to the top
To see where they have gone
Oh, they've gone to the other side...
Sail away, away
Ripples never come back.
Gone to the other side.
Look into the pool,
The ripples never come back, come back,
Dive to the bottom and go to the top
To see where they have gone
They've gone to the other side
Ripples never come back
Sail away, away...
Me and my mum use to sing this together :) Id love to bring this song out again :)omg im singing my heart out :D The whole album is amazing, noone can ever write anything like this, apart from pink floyd there amazing too. Im gonna to down load all the albums my mum has that reminds me of growing up :) *A Trick of the Tail* is brilliant too...
A Trick of the Tail
Bored of the life on the city of gold
He'd left and let nobody know.
Gone were the towers he had known from a child,
Alone with the dream of a life
He travelled the wide open road,
The blinkered arcade,
In search of another to share in his life.
Nowhere.
Everyone looked so strange to him.
They've got no horns and they've got no tail
They don't even know of our existence.
Am I wrong to believe in a city of gold
That lies in the deep distance, he cried
And wept as they led him away to a cage
Beast that can talk, read the sign.
The creatures they pushed and they prodded his frame
And questioned his story again.
But soon they grew bored of their prey
Beast that can talk?
More like a freak or publicity stunt.
Oh
No.
They've got no horns and they've got no tail
They don't even know of our existence.
Am I wrong to believe in a city of gold
That lies in the deep distance, he cried
And broke down the door of the cage and marched on out.
He grabbed a creature by the scruff of his neck, pointing out:
There, beyond the bounds of you weak imagination
Lie the noble towers of my city, bright and gold.
Let me take you there, show you a living story
Let me show you others such as me
Why did I ever leave?
They've got no horns and they've got no tail
They don't even know of our existence
Am I wrong to believe in a city of gold
That lies in the deep distance, he cried
And wept.
And so we set out with the best and his horns
And his crazy description of home.
After many days journey we came to a peak
Where the beast gazed abroad and cried out.
We followed his gaze and we thought that maybe we saw
A spire of gold - no, a trick of the eye that's all,
But the beast was gone and a voice was heard:
They've got no horns and they've got no tail
They don't even know of our existence
Am I wrong to believe in a city of gold
That lies in the deep distance
Hello friend, welcome home.
and the album itsself its pure art. I love songs with stories in them :) hence why mine are kinda like that. Yeah everyone was stoned or on acid back then, but hey its fucking amazing. And anyone who says its not clearly does not know real music :P
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[03 Jul 2004|11:00am] |
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mood |
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naughty |
] |
Im such a naughty girl :| I should be at work right now, but I just didnt have the energy to face it. Plus abs is coming back tonight, instead of sunday evening, so Im going to need recharging before then anyways. Haha well that my excuse, now to think of one for work, erm shit I really should have gone in. Why didnt I go in :| I really need the money also :|Yep I have finally done it, I have gone insane lol, hang on wasnt I already muwhahahaha! No really it isnt funny at all, meh :( WTF am I going to say. See I do lie >.< Just I find it so hard to, cause I always feel so bad an guilty. Im just going to say its due to personal problems. Which is half true.
So me and abs had a fun day yesterday :D she decided to get all my make up and make her self look all pretty hehehe, she ended up looking like a china doll hehe bless, and she wanted nail varnish on her nails and toe nails. So I painted gold on one foot silver on the other, then pink on one hand and blue on the other. She loves it.
Nick picked abs up and I told him to bring her back either, saturday evening or sunday morning, he wasnt happy, and he intends on pulling this sad little puppy dog face. I said that dont work anymore, he tried to keep changing the subject and then he started sulking lol pitiful excuse for a father lol
So my sister is staying over tonight :) Ill have to go round the shops and get some breakfast :) for the morning, havnt even got a clue what to have for dinner. Then sunday morning we are going to damnson park festevial :) There is going to be a wind in the willows day there, some live bands :) lots of stalls :) a fun fair :)I just hope the weather stays lovely and sunny.
Its just a pitty Will wont be here in time :( he is in Hong Kong fuey now :( And I really miss him :( but we are still keeping in touch :D
I down loaded genisi - trick of the tail album last night :) and heart - dream boat annie album :) It really reminds me of my mum :) OOOOOOOOOO going to look for lyrics :)
Ahh brb have to wash bedding then hang it out to dry while the sun is still shining. I also made up a song last night, im going to see if I can remember it later.
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[02 Jul 2004|04:42am] |
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mood |
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relieved |
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music |
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No more longveiw for a while me thinks >. |
] |
Ok Im up again >.< but its cool :) I feel so much better after that cry lol Its amazing what feelings can do to you. Well I was always happy, just I guess I let my feelings get the better of me. :| I know ill get over it :) Its not my problem, gives it to my higher mind. :D
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